Politically Correct? .... My A** !!!!
 

- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted toIslam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!


- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.


- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”



- Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..


- Question - Are there too many immigrants in the u.s. ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”


- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.


- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”


- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”


- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


- I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.


- There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.


- The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway!

Man you are on a ROLL! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

thats some funny stuff right there!

she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.................:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

That's good stuff right there.

3 schools this year.....................:rofl:

but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway!
:unibrow:

My favorite too:lol: :thumbsup:

nice! I love jokes like this. Thanks for sharing.

I love it! Good stuff.:thumbsup:

:rofl: :rofl:

Nice! :rofl:

So a Muslim, a cowboy, and an indian are in a bar...

The Indian raises his glass....." First there were many, and now there are few ".

The Muslim raise his glass and says, " first there were few, now there are many".

The Cowboy raises his glass, " we ain't played cowboy's and Muslims yet"..:cheers:

:thumbsup: :D

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Where can I donate?!?!! LOL:cheers:

Olde but a goodie


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed.........

..... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

__________________

^^^^^:thumbsup:
Now how do I get all the coffee I just spit out, off my monitor.

Alaska
 

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
:willy:

Funny stuff, thanks for the laughs!:lol:

All of the above........ Keep them coming. Great stuff! (id like to donate some gas too! )

:rofl: :rofl:

thanks for all the good reads.:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
thanks rick k