1 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too
bad he has never cried. Ever.
2 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6 Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8 Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9 Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
10 In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and
those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever
gotten.
11 There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
12 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
13 Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
14 Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire,
and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15 The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck
Norris out. It failed miserably.
16 If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
17 Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
18 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
19 There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
20 Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21 Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
22 Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows
and the butter comes straight out.
23 When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
24 The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
25 A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
26 Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will
be the Magnolia.
27 Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out
of a plane and punched the ground.
28 Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris
replied, "That's no glitch."
29 The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely
based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
30 Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
31 Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it
was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
32 Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
33 Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks
aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by
historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34 Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
35 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck
Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the
turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
36 Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like
Chuck Norris
37 Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how
quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
38 Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven
seconds.
39 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
40 If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will
roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the
REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
41 Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
42 Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving
multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in
this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public,
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert
Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
43 The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game
Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire
combined nations of the world in one turn.
44 In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45 Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
46 Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the
American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a
roundhouse kick to the face.
47 When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
48 There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
49 Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
50 Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the
gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other
three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to
Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All
three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
51 Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
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