1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,"Because you came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10 When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he
pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eye sight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair
__________________
If it ain't buckin, chirpin & makin all kinds of bad noises, then I ain't happy
Accelerating is optional...........stopping is mandatory. Your car WILL stop one way or another.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard
of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
__________________
If it ain't buckin, chirpin & makin all kinds of bad noises, then I ain't happy
Accelerating is optional...........stopping is mandatory. Your car WILL stop one way or another.
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
__________________
If it ain't buckin, chirpin & makin all kinds of bad noises, then I ain't happy
Accelerating is optional...........stopping is mandatory. Your car WILL stop one way or another.
One of my favorites by him is from Caddyshack where he tries on a fedora hat and says "this hat is so ugly you should get a free bowl of soup!" And the judge is standing there and he says "oh but it looks good on you!"
Just now every time I see a fedora I call it a soup hat.
One of my favorites by him is from Caddyshack where he tries on a fedora hat and says "this hat is so ugly you should get a free bowl of soup!" And the judge is standing there and he says "oh but it looks good on you!"
Just now every time I see a fedora I call it a soup hat.
I'll just leave this here.....
__________________
If it ain't buckin, chirpin & makin all kinds of bad noises, then I ain't happy
Accelerating is optional...........stopping is mandatory. Your car WILL stop one way or another.
Brian Hobaugh SCCA National Tour June 2014
First Hemi 'Cuda Convertible Ever Built
Short clips: Goodguys Pleasanton autocross and pit videos
Remembering Rodney D
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