Retrosexual

[Hooligan]

I've had ENOUGH!! OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I
can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about
foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui".

Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have
taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
Example..."Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to
see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was
busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and
ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer
a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. (?Ol?
Yeller? is a bona fide exception) Sports teams are sometimes a reason
to cry, but the preferred method of release is cussing or throwing the
remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not
limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as
pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled
Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a
serious healthy relationship - i. e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without
high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he darn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual
man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their
country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

[ProTouring442]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I've had ENOUGH!! OK, I have had it....

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled
Banner.

Hmmm... I think I may qualify, except I don't know the words to the Star Spangled Banner. I do know that FSK was negotiating the relese of a POW on board a British war ship when the battle started, and that he wrote the sone after he was amazed to find the flag still flying in the morning. I also have the Decleration of Independence and the Constitution framed and hanging in our den. I also read the Decleration every 4th of July to anyone who will listen, and just finished a book on Ben Franklin. Does this make up for it?

Shiny Side Up!
Bill
'72 442 "Inamorata"

[Hdesign]

Man, I couldn't have said that better. It brings a tear to my eye...oh, wait...no that was just a piece of sand!

[race-rodz]

you forgot to mention that a retro sexual man will in the event of a slight mishap always patch it together good nuff to get the rest of the project finished before seeking professional assistance.

example.... 1/2 amputated fingers will be sewn back on using a carb cleaner sterilized needle and fishing line, wrapted in a red rag and black tape untill a time after the which the project is finished, and transportation to a proper medical facility can be acertained. and at no time is it acceptable to shed a tear, although cussing and throwing of small objects and animals is permitted.

[ProTouring442]

Oh, and you can add Bill's Rule on Stitches!

There are only 3 reasons it is permissible to get stitches;

1) A part of the body has actually become separated from its owner.

2) You can actually see, with little effort, major internal organs.

3) Uncontrollable bleeding. (Note: in this case, stitches are not recommended for their therapeutic value, but to keep from making a mess)

[Speedster]

So very true. Had a nurse say I needed 8 stitches on my ear (bachelor party event). Instead I used duct tape to hold it together.

[Hooligan]

Originally Posted by Speedster

So very true. Had a nurse say I needed 8 stitches on my ear (bachelor party event). Instead I used duct tape to hold it together.

Extra points for the use of duct tape instead of stichees

[Ummgawa]

Heck...I'm dis"feng shui"nal anyway.

Damn I crack me up sometimes.

[Speedster]

Originally Posted by Ummgawa

Heck...I'm dis"feng shui"nal anyway.

Damn I crack me up sometimes.

Remember Jim: We here on Lateral-g put the FUN in dysFUNctional...